Solid Strategies for Mindful Communication
Photo: Oleg Magni / Unsplash
Communication lies at the heart of each and every connection - at least, that’s the idea with which many of us have been familiar since our early years. With the rise of social media, FaceTime with family and friends, and Zoom meetings with colleagues, communication has become more constant than ever, and its importance has never been greater. I might propose, then, that mindful communication is what lies at the heart of every connection, and can in fact be a source of true sustenance for those relationships - be they personal or professional.
What does it mean to communicate mindfully? While certainly a multi-faceted subject, at its core it asks us to remain conscientious of how what we say might be received by the person listening, to be intentional in creating a constructive dialogue, and to strive for clarity and understanding in each and every conversation. Here are four strategies that I have found to be most effective in the ever-evolving pursuit of mindful communication.
Check for Good Reception
No, I’m not talking about your WiFi or cell service. Rather, this is about ensuring that your audience has the mental and emotional space required to meaningfully engage with you in conversation. Have you ever been smack in the middle of a project, only to have someone walk up to you and say “Oh great, here you are! I need you to…”
Now, not only has your focus been broken, but the other person is already busy giving you every pertinent detail of their request. Meanwhile, you’re trying to mentally bookmark where you were on your project, as well as retain any points of inspiration or ideas relevant to the task at hand, all while half-listening to the speaker and hopefully remembering what it is they’re asking of you. Not only can this be mentally exhausting, but it can be a major drain on your time - a University of California study found that, on average, it takes nearly 25 minutes for your brain to refocus after experiencing an interruption.
When starting a conversation, even if it’s just an informal chat, consider whether it might be appropriate to ask “Do you have a moment to talk?” This same concept can be applied when approaching a friend, family member, or other close contact to discuss a heavy topic. Whether seeking advice, asking for a listening ear while you verbally process something, or simply offering your support to someone who is going through a tough time, it can be truly meaningful to begin by asking “Do you have the headspace to talk about this right now?” The consideration for their mental wellbeing is sure to be appreciated, and likely to be reciprocated.
“Feeling” Statements and Asking for Help
We all know that feeling of preparing for an interaction that we already know has the potential to devolve into a full-blown confrontation; it can be anxiety-inducing, fill us with dread, or simply make us want to run for the hills! Luckily, there are two extraordinarily helpful tools that can help us face these conversations head-on, and perhaps even with a bit of confidence: “feeling” statements, and asking for help.
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Both strategies are something that many folks learn during their school years, but can be all-too-easy to file away in the depths of our memories if we don’t use them on a regular basis. Employing either (or both at once!) can help ensure your message is both heard and received.
What’s the difference? Someone may physically hear you speaking, but be so focused on formulating their response - or in this case, their defense or rebuttal - that they do not actually receive your message, and the discussion ends up going nowhere. Let’s say, for example, that you want to ask a member of your household to clean up after themselves in the kitchen. Starting the exchange with “You never clean up after yourself, and I end up having to deal with a mess every night!” is all but guaranteed to immediately send their walls up as they defend themselves from the perceived “attack,” and your message is suddenly falling on deaf ears.
As an alternative, you might say something to the effect of “I’ve had a lot on my plate at work lately, and coming home to a pile of dishes in the sink at night has me feeling really overwhelmed. Can you help me by making sure the kitchen stays clean during the day? It would really make a big difference.” This effectively removes the perception of blame and anger being directed at the person listening, still lets them know what the issue is, and asks for their help in solving the problem. Interestingly, research has shown that people are much more likely to respond to requests for help than we might think, so mindfully combining these two strategies can be a highly effective way to facilitate healthy communication!
Ask Clarifying Questions
Over the years, I have lost count of how many conflicts I have witnessed that could have been completely avoided through the use of six simple words: What do you mean by that?
Communication is an art, and an imperfect one at that. Sometimes we struggle to take the thoughts swirling around in our mind and translate them into language. Sometimes we have difficulty understanding what it is that someone else is trying to convey to us (and these challenges can be amplified if one or more parties in the conversation is neurodivergent!). Misunderstandings are a part of life - it’s when those misunderstandings lead to incorrect assumptions, and eventually conflict, that problems can arise. Thankfully, this scenario is easily avoidable if we actively engage in mindful communication.
This particular strategy can require a bit of practice, as it is crucial to be able to identify an activating sentence, word, phrase, or question in real-time. The moment this occurs, take a pause before responding. Is it possible that the other person misspoke? Could they have perhaps just chosen their words poorly? Instead of reacting from that place of activation, keep the lines of communication open and give the speaker the opportunity to clarify their thought by asking those six magic words: What do you mean by that? They will likely appreciate the chance to clear up any confusion, and with that one moment of mindfulness, you’ll have paved the way for continued clarity in communication.
Photo: Bud Helisson / Unsplash
Circle Back if Needed
Don’t be afraid to call a “time out” if you’re feeling flustered or a bit flat! Engaging in mindful communication, especially within the context of difficult conversations, can be mentally draining - and nobody performs at their best while “running on empty.” A tennis match can be a great analogy here; you walk onto the court feeling great. You’re energized, on your game, and send the ball back over the net repeatedly with ease. The conversation is flowing, and you’re mindfully engaged with the other person.
Eventually, though, you start to lose energy. You might miss serves, lose track of the ball, or even get frustrated with yourself as you try to expend more and more energy that you simply don’t have in order to keep up. At this point in the conversation, you might find yourself missing things, shortening your replies, thinking about other things, and generally lowering your level of engagement. This process can happen even more quickly for folks who are introverted or have invisible health conditions. If you notice your attention drifting or your energy levels waning, ask to call a “time out” and revisit the conversation when you’ve had a chance to recharge.
While this may seem a bit scary at first, it doesn’t have to be; there are plenty of direct, kind, and mindful ways to do so. This might sound like “Can we come back to this topic later? I’m having a tough time organizing my thoughts, and need some time to reflect before we continue,” or even “This is important to me and I want to keep discussing it, but I really need to take a breather before we keep going. Can we continue talking about this tomorrow?” This makes clear to the other person that you’re not simply making up an excuse to end the conversation, and gives you the opportunity to take care of yourself before re-engaging.
Mindful communication is not only a means to facilitate healthy conversations, though that is certainly a major benefit. By being conscientious, clear, and constructive using these and similar techniques, we prioritize our overall well being, and lead by example in encouraging others to do the same.